Co-Parent Fall Off the Deep End?
What do you do AFTER you have a Judgment in place to protect your kids…
One things I see with Co-Parents after the initial case is over is PTSD about being in a legal battle again. I get it. Who wants to pay all that money? Who wants all that drama?
Here is the thing…
When the Co-Parent falls off the deep end a bit, it is easy to want to help. After all, you want to make sure your kids are safe. If you are a really good parent, you want the Co-Parent to get the help they need to “get better”. So you suck it up, grateful to have the extra time with your kids, and you just let the Co-Parent fade out of the picture and do whatever it is they are doing.
What I see is that, while you are trying to be the better parent, your Co-Parent is going to come back at you 10Xs harder when they come back into the picture. Why? Subconsciously they feel like a bad parent and they want everyone to know that they are super parent now. They will find ways to make you look bad to make themselves look better. They won’t work in the Co-Parenting spirit either. It will be their show.
What happens with child support?
If you are ordered to pay, there are 2 ways to get support to stop.
1. File a Motion to Modify.
2. Go through the Family Support Division.
When you request a change, what the FSD will do is reach out to the Co-Parent and ask if the change of educational address is voluntary. What I see is that most often, the Co-Parent now comes and picks up the children to avoid losing the child support. Then your chances of protecting the children get a whole lot more expensive. You lose your advantage of the kids living at your address. Worse yet, your kids might not be safe!
Do you want to take the chance that the Co-Parent just comes and takes the kids? Are you prepared to fight a Parental Alienation smear campaign?
How can you fight this and have the best chance at keeping the kids at your home?
If you really feel like the Co-Parent will agree, we can do a Stipulated Modification. What I suggest is that you make provisions for the following on the condition that when the Co-Parent is back on their feet, the Parties will attend Mediation to figure out what the new parenting arrangement will be.
Just be prepared… most people can’t lose the income coming in from child support.
What we can do is at least suggest to stop the wage withholding Order and “Stay” the support order while the children are in your care and custody. The only real way to make this happen is for child support to be paid directly to the Co-Parent. This gives breathing room for things to go “back to normal”. This is a great option if the Co-Parent has something temporary… maybe a job loss and they need to get back on their feet. This is also a good fix for a health problem or issues with an elderly parent. Within the Stipulation we can say that this current situation is not considered as a permanent change of circumstances and the Parties agree this is a temporary change to the Parenting Order. We can even put in an end date to the change if that makes the other Party feel better.
What if this change is related to the Co-Parent abusing alcohol or using illegal drugs?
An addict is incapable of seeing that they are not providing a safe environment for your children. Here are some of the consequences of having a parent with a Substance Abuse Disorder (SUD).
“Children with a parent who has an SUD are more likely than children who do not have a parent with an SUD to have lower socioeconomic status and increased difficulties in academic and social settings and family functioning.” “These children are also more likely to have higher rates of mental and behavioral disorders.” — Peleg-Oren, N., & Teichman, M. (2006). Young children of parents with substance use disorders (SUD): A review of the literature and implications for social work practice. Journal of Social Work Practice in the Addictions, 6(1–2), 49–61.
“For example, in studies of community samples, children of substance abusing parents are more than twice as likely to have an alcohol and/or drug use disorder themselves by young adulthood as compared to their peers.” — Chassin L, Pitts SC, DeLucia C. The relation of adolescent substance use to young adult autonomy, positive activity involvement, and perceived competence. Dev Psychopathol. 1999;11(4):915–32.
Want more information, check out the following resources:
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3676900/
https://ncsacw.samhsa.gov/files/TrainingPackage/MOD2/EffectsofSubstanceAbuse.pdf
https://www.columbusparent.com/article/20090908/LIFESTYLE/309089597
So the question is, do you really want to risk your child’s future to avoid another legal battle?
Now is the time to get this case started. Don’t give the Co-Parent the ability to make this a bigger fight than it already is. Keep one thing in mind… your best chance to minimize the legal battle is to start it when the Co-Parent is at their worst.
One thing to keep in mind is that in a Modification case, the other Party is not required to file an Answer which means that we set the case for trial as quickly as possible. We also need to be super aggressive and issue Discovery and file a Motion for Drug Testing. It also means that we have to request a Guardian Ad Litem be appointed for the kids.
Sound expensive? I am not going to lie… your attorney fees can be high. The up front work on the case is going to be extensive in order to give you the best chance possible.
The real question is —
Are your kids worth it?
I already know the answer — of course it is worth fighting to keep your kids safe now and to protect their future!
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