Dealing With Your Child’s Anger In Divorce
The divorce journey- child not dealing well with the divorce.
When I was going through my divorce years ago, my kids were 2 and 4. My 2 year old had no ability to verbally express his feelings and it came out in anger. Hitting, biting, yelling, hiding in stores… he was really struggling. I looked like an abused wife — bruises everywhere. Once he was a bit older, I had a counselor who gave us an exercise for my son to create his “happy place”. Yes, I think that was in a movie or two — but it is a real technique used by therapists.
Creating a “Happy Journal” worked wonders for my son. We found a bunch of magazines, pictures of our family, pictures of his favorite super heroes, and other visual things to help him find as many things as he could think of that made him happy or smile. Stuff he liked to do. Things he might want to do in the future. We still have his Happy Book in his closet. To this day, even though he is an adult, he still uses many of the techniques he learned getting over the divorce in his daily life.
Using your school counselor as a resource person can be amazing! They can keep an eye on your child, check in with them, and be an outside person to talk to about what they are feeling. In our school, they actually had programs for kids of divorce and children with anger issues. These were immensely helpful to Charley.
Kids who are a little older… later in grade school and middle school tend to be a bit more difficult to help work through the pain of the divorce. They may take sides with one parent or the other. Sometimes they are trying so hard to be an “adult” they forget that adults get sad too. They may truly need a counselor.
One thing that I heard from a friend about her son’s experience in the divorce made me think that maybe all kids needs counseling. This little boy came downstairs when the parents were arguing — he should have been in bed — and dad yelled for him to go upstairs and get back into bed. The next day, dad moved out. This little boy carried it in his heart that he was the reason for the divorce… because he got out of bed that night. Even when he was a teenager, he still thought the divorce was his fault.
It is super important that you make sure to let your children know the divorce is not their fault. It might seem obvious to you, but it is not always obvious to them. Talk with your child about how they are feeling. Do not make them pick sides. Don’t say anything negative about the other Parent to your child even if they might deserve it. Kids have a terrible time trying to manage being in the middle and you don’t want to make it any harder on them.
There are some awesome resources for helping children through divorce. Sesame Street even has a wonderful set of DVDs on divorce. Anything you can do to help them on their level is perfect. Be intentional. It does not matter what age your child might be when you get divorce — it is going to be hard. Talking about how you will still be a family (even if it is a bit different) can be calming to your child.
Parenting Schedules that are consistent are the key. Let them know when they will see their parent. Make visitation a regular schedule. If you are going to be late or have to miss, talk to them on the phone and explain your problem. If your child is younger, they should see both parents every few days. Once they are in grade school, having a 2–2–3 schedule works. By the time you are late grade school or middle school age, a 2–2–5 or one week on one week off is best. Using video calling or phone calls in between visits is helpful. Texts are great (even if you only get a few word answers). Stay connected. It will help your child feel loved and that they are important to you.
Your child may seem ok, but unless you talk to them there could be something like the boy thinking getting out of bed was what caused the divorce. You can make a huge difference in the life of your child. Take the time to find the resources you need to help your child. Kids are resilient… but it does not hurt to help them bounce back after the divorce.
