Delivery Is As Important As the Message.

Sticks and Stones Will Break Bones AND Words CAN hurt me.

11 min readAug 17, 2019

Remember the saying,

“Sicks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me”?

Well that simply is not true. Ask any kid in middle school or high school. Not you can ask any person who is on Social Media… people say a LOT of mean things. Sometimes, things can even be hurtful when they are intended to bring comfort.

Hey guys, it is Carrie Sue, senior attorney at Law In Kansas City and creator of Legal Lifeguards.

I receive these great emails every day which I find helpful and uplifting. Two of them caught my eye in this last week… dealing with how you feel in the middle of a crisis in your life and how to deal with injustice.

https://thoughts-about-god.com/blog/katherine-kehler_broken-relationships/

https://thoughts-about-god.com/blog/rick-thiessen_how-remain-silent/

Two great topics which made me think about how we act in the middle of the storms in our lives. Often when we are in crisis, we say and do things that we are not proud of later on…things we regret. Things that hurt other people.

This got me thinking about my clients in the middle of divorce and what they are going through. You could even be on the other side of the divorce and still are not healed from it yet. You could actually be going through another struggle… maybe it is finances, a health crisis, other relationship issues, job loss… we all have struggles going on in life. Sometimes we are simply surprised by having to go through hardship. We think we if do all the right things, we should have an easier life. This is true especially if you are a Christian. Ask and receive, right?

In these times of struggle, our emotions are pretty high. Stress is harder to handle. We are in danger of saying things we regret later… and maybe don’t even mean in the moment. This article is about those times… watching what you say, how you say it, and when you say it.

What You Say

I know going through divorce is not easy. Been there, done that. I struggle to this day from a horrible hurtful comment made by my then husband. Whenever I am struggling in my relationship with my kids, or having a day when I don’t feel like Amazing Mom, that old recording in my head pops up and plays on a loop. It is so dumb and I should never let something like that have any space in my brain… of course my kids would not be better off if I was dead. But when you go through a divorce process, things can find space in your thoughts that are not rational. Somehow, because we are going through trauma, these things feel more real to us… they have more power over us in that moment and into the future. This can happen when you are going through any type of painful experience. It does not have to be a divorce.

So I ask you…

What is coming out of your mouth?

When you get in a fight with your husband (ex-husband), significant other, children, family, co-workers… do you find yourself getting too emotional about it? Do you catch yourself saying things you regret later? Maybe you are reacting in a way that simply is not your personality. What you said or did was not a good look for you. ( I have noticed that for some reason, this bad habit has increased in me over he last few years and I need to really work on this area. Plus, that is kind of why I am obsessed with watching the Housewives on Bravo). Sometimes life is so challenging and we just want something our way. Just this one little thing. Has nothing to do with the actual thing though… we are just tired and don’t want to fight about it… can’t we just get our way this once… right?
Are you being overly critical or judgmental? (one of my biggest areas to work on… that black and white thinking can be a challenge). The world is changing and sometimes we are not. Why can’t people play by the rules anymore? Why do they let their children run around a store or a restaurant? Why don’t high school students take turns letting cars in when they are leaving a parking lot? Why are people just so rude? Where is the respect for the basics… the flag, teachers, first responders, professionals, each other? And why do people want to always throw their bad behavior in your face and basically dare you to do something about it? So you see, this type of thinking is a bit of trying to impose your will on the world (and yes, I have probably said everyone of these things just in this week- don’t judge). The question we need to ask ourselves is …

When we see things in the world that really don’t meet our standards (maybe we are right and maybe we are not), how do we react? Is our reaction just as bad or inappropriate?

Are you being too political on social media to the point you are ruining relationships with others? Is your point of view more important than your friends and family? Is how you are saying it the problem? Are you hurting others and calling them names? Are you making assumptions about how they think and feel? Do you even care if you hurt their feelings or make them mad?

We could ALL work on this one. There seems to be no boundaries anymore. I applaud people for being passionate about things. Having different views out there is exactly what makes our country great! However, YOU ARE STILL RESPONSIBLE FOR HOW YOU DELIVER YOUR MESSAGE. It is not ok to hurt someone with your words.

This generation has to deal with a TON of bullying. It is crazy what is going on in schools and there seems to be no real consequences. The way it is being handled is to punish both sides half the time. You are not even allowed to stand up for yourself anymore. It is not just a comment in the hall anymore… it is posting it all over Social Media. So should be really react by putting up a protective shield that does not allow anyone in? Be on the path of the only thing that matters is what I want and what is good for me? Everything else is irrelevant? Are we standing up to these bullies? In standing up to them are we stopping to their level? This is something I see in Co-Parenting so much. More and more people will say or do anything to hurt the other person… just because they can.

One interesting side note on this topic which is interesting to me — — this new generation has a lot less fighting over coming up with a parenting plan and are happy to serve equally as parents. Things are much more on one side of the spectrum or the other… either they respect the other person and their role as a parent which makes for a pretty easy process or they simply could care less about the other parent and want them no where involved in the child’s life.

I could go on with other examples… but I would like you to think about this…

THE DELIVERY IS AS IMPORTANT AS THE MESSAGE.

How You Say Things

When we are going through a hard time, what comes out of our mouths is even harder to control. Your emotions are much closer to the surface. We all tend to say things we should not. Maybe we are tired. Maybe our financial situation is just putting too much stress on us. Struggling in life can make us so tired, irritable, and just plain selfish. We don’t mean to be. We just have a hard time controlling it because that takes more energy. This is the time when you need to really be vigilant over what is coming out of your mouth. Some times you can’t take back what you said or how it made the other person feel. Maybe in the moment you don’t care, but there are long term consequences for what you say.

I tell my clients this all the time… how to get what you want is not about saying what you want. It is about giving options… let the other person choose. Bullying a person may get the result you want, but at what cost? Feeling you are entitled to something is fine, but if this is your delivery, the other person will focus on what they are entitled to. I guarantee they won’t agree and just become defensive. Will that resolve the issue?

So you may think that by giving them choices, you are giving them what they want. Think about this… if you are giving options, you have GREATER control over the outcome because you have set the boundaries. Even if they want other options, it is a conversation which in fact also meets your goal of resolving the issue. Now, this does not guarantee a particular result or even that you can agree. What it does do is keep the conversation at a level where the parties can focus on solutions… keeping it more about the logical/ practical and not emotional answer. Everyone wants to think they won the argument or the battle… you just have to change your way of thinking of how the battle will be fought.

You have choices..

Go nuclear… slash and burn. My husband can have this mentality if you push him too hard. You don’t want to try to corner or bully this personality because you will come out with 3rd degree burns. I have had some cases where the retribution for trying to make them do something went on for MONTHS if not longer. If you are this type of person, you will probably get what you want in the moment but the cost will be so much higher than you can possibly know. Usually, the collateral damage is not limited to the intended target. If you have children together, you are really harming you kids too. It may significantly damage their relationship with you. It will certainly mold their personality in a negative way… either to learn to use the same tactics or to steer away from relationships in general. They may head down the path of violence which is the next step in this pattern (just because you can stop before you go to this level does not mean they will be able to).

Give in to everything. This is just as bad as the first one. You may brand yourself as the reasonable one or the one who compromises… try to wear it like a badge of honor… but the truth is that being a doormat will also have long term consequences. Again, it can have collateral damage on your kids. You have to learn how to have an appropriate response that allows you to stand up for yourself without putting gasoline on the fire.

Have a conversation and negotiation. Everything does not need to be your way, but every relationship needs to have a framework for compromise. Working together to find the best solution. Focusing on problem solving not getting what you want. Creating an environment where everyone can voice how they feel and what they want. But remember, you have to watch what you say, when you say it, and how you say it. This is the critical part of the conversation.

We talked a bit about how you say something, what you say, so how about…

When You Say It.

Not everything needs an immediate response. If you feel the emotion coming to the surface… stop and wait 24 hours.

This is the new rule in for ME in my law firm. Sometimes attorneys can really make me mad. I may be able to control what comes out of my mouth, but I spend way to long crafting it. Why? Because I am working out of emotion and not logic.

The 24 hour Rule should be your rule too. Let the other person know you need a minute to think about it or maybe it is not a good time to talk…you will check in tomorrow. Buy yourself the time to get out of an emotional response or bring it to a reasonable level. Don’t ignore them…this will just fuel the fire. Make the 24 hour rule part of your agreement with the other person for all communications. Then the other person will know that on sensitive topics you each agree to wait to respond.

Plus, remember, you can stay in your own lane. Do you need to respond?

Great that someone posts something on social media… just because you don’t say something about it does not mean you agree.
Someone says something stupid or does something you think is wrong… do you really need to take a stand? Sometimes the answer is yes. My daughter mentioned someone was making fun of a kid at school who was challenged in some way… totally did it in front of a lot of people and was the type of behavior that was 100% not ok. She said something to the kid. I was so proud of her because she did it in a way to call him out without retaliating and going nuclear on him (even though she wanted to).
Your ex is being critical… do you need to stand up for yourself, and if so, how can you do it in a healthy way? Is it in front of your kids? This certainly makes a bigger difference both in if you should say something (yes or at least discuss it with your kids later maybe? ) and how you should say it. The respect of your kids is at stake so don’t act out of emotion.

This concept does not just apply in a divorce or in Co-Parenting, but in every aspect of your life. Getting good at this takes practice. Plus, just like any type of skill, it takes good mentorship and learning. This is why I chose to start Legal Lifeguards as a way to coach people through these difficult situations. Join Facebook Groups for help when you have a challenging situation that requires a response. You can test it out… but remember that others may respond out their own situation and frustrations in their own relationships. Look carefully at the feedback and search for the reaction their suggested response had with the other person.

Lastly, remember that life can wear you out. Do what you can to take care of yourself! Get enough sleep. Exercise. Eat right. Have healthy relationships. Find hobbies you love. Get a pet. Volunteer in your community. When you take care of yourself and focus on things outside of yourself, you are better equipped to take on the challenges of the world. You can’t control what happens to you, but you can control how you react… at least that is what they tell us. So start working on developing the skill of healthy reaction. What I want you to avoid is the regret of saying something you cannot take back that impacts your life either in relationships, in your job, or in your reputation.