Do Moms Have Too Much Power When It Come To Co-Parenting Their Kids?

What are the 5 biggest reasons Moms won’t give Dads more parenting time?

Why do Mom’s think they are the ONLY parent that counts?

One thing I see in family law which has not changed over the years is mom’s treating dad’s as second class parents. More and more Courts and looking at the research and giving Dads more time than the old fashioned, out of date, every other weekend schedule. The real question is why can’t we get Moms to come along? How do we help Mom’s transition to a JOINT parenting model? They will agree to Joint Custody on paper… now we need to get them to honor the spirit of what that really means. It does not mean they get to run the show!

Of course, in the majority of families, the Mom is the caregiver of the children, especially when they are younger. I totally get it. I am a Mom. The thing I think that most Moms miss out on is just how vital a Dad’s role is in the life of a child. In a time when there does not feel like there is much stability due to the separation of the Parents, the child needs their dad to help provide a sense of stability that things will be ok. This is not just financial stability. This includes emotional stability. Research shows that a strong father presence in their children’s lives promotes a stronger cognitive and social development for the child. It can impact their self-confidence.

The lack of a strong paternal figure in a child’s life has even more serious consequences.

It drastically increases the chance of wrong turns for a child…juvenile violent crime, early sexual activity, out of wedlock births to teenagers, deteriorating academic performance, depression and eating disorders, alienation among adolescents, teen suicide, and substance abuse.

Fathers make unique contributions to child rearing, including a parenting style different from mothers and an emphasis on play, which facilitates normal emotional development. -Dr. David Popenoe

So how do we get Moms to embrace the role of Dad’s in the lives of their children?

For me, in my experience as an attorney, here is what I see consistently.

1. Moms are distinctly fearful of losing the connection with their child. This is where it is so important to distinguish between “time” and “quality time”. The reality for a single Mom is that “quality time” is hard when the financial impact of raising children “on her own” does not allow money for those fun outings with their child. So Dad’s can sometimes help in those areas. Mom’s feeling of the “weekend fun dad” vrs their role of raising the child can also increase the fear of Mom that her relationship with the child will be damaged. This also goes back to the financial impact of the separation.
2. Moms have a huge fear that Dad’s won’t keep the child on a schedule. Children need a routine. Have you read a parenting book lately? This is paramount in the life of the child. Dads can have a huge impact on the Co-Parenting relationship by workings with the other parent to find the right schedule for the children and each agree to stick to it “within reason.” Find a way to step up your game. Take the child to the doctor for their annual physical. Check in with their teacher and see how they are doing. Be the person responsible to take them to their extra-curricular activities. Offer to take off work when the child is sick. Another good tip for Dads is that if you have not yet separated and are just thinking about making a break, make sure to become more active in your child’s life now — before separation. This helps Mom see that you are deserving of time with your child and that you can do it in a way that she will approve.
3. Moms have guilt that somehow without having the child all the time they are less of a parent. Honestly, this is not always something you can fix. I do think that my letting your Co-Parent express this fear, remorse, and anger does help you also express that you feel the same way. After all, a Dad often stays in a bad marriage way longer out of fear of losing time with their child than a Mom does.
4. Moms don’t trust that you will be consistent. Look, stuff comes up. But a friend coming in from out to town that you have not seen is NOT more important that establishing proof to your Co-Parent that you can be consistent. If you don’t have an agreement for regular parenting time, this is not the time to catch up with your buddy over your time with your kids. The best thing you can do is show consistency in the small times and then get them to build up over time.
5. Moms are holding resentment for the separation. Again, another thing you can be mindful of even if you can’t fix it. This is where sometimes you need family counseling. If this is not a good fit for your family, the next best thing is using the Transformative Mediation which is meant to deal with issues that are blocking Co-Parenting. It is important that you listen to the Co-Parent. All you can do is what you can do. Where there are ways to

At the end of the day, the biggest thing you can do to earn more parenting time is to act like you deserve it. This includes a mental shift that you won’t settle for less and that you are as important to your child as their Mother.

You should embrace your special and unique parenting role while realizing that you will also have to pick up the role of Mom when the kids are with you. You need to be both sides when the kids are with you. However, it is super important to nip any behavior by Mom in the bud when they are making you out to be “less than” to your kids. You don’t have to say much more to your kids than that “Mom is struggling a bit in this transition to our new lives. I want you to feel like you can come to me and tell me how you are feeling at any time. If you feel more comfortable with text than a face to face, I am ok with this. You just let me know what YOU need. I am here for you.”

Being there for your kids, being open, not bad-mouthing the other Parent, are all essential to help your child transition to the new life your family will be leading.

I will have to give a shout out to this current younger generation — they are amazing at seeing that 50/50 parenting plans are a gift to their children. I think since so many kids are products of broken homes, they are more willing to see both roles as important and work on schedules that are appropriate age wise for the kids.

The good news for Dads is there is a way to help your Co-Parent transition to the new family model. Hang in there! Show up as the Dad you want to be. You deserve to be as much of a Parent as the Mother of your child.

For more great articles on Co-Parenting Success, be sure to follow me on Medium. If you are getting ready for a divorce, you might also want to grab my publication “5 Mistakes People Make Before Their Divorce.”