Does Divorcing My Spouse With A Mental Disorder Make Me A Bad Person?
Walking through the journey to file for divorce… disabled spouse.
As an attorney, this is one of the most heartbreaking things to watch… a client who has to make the decision to give up their life for their Spouse or have a life of their own.
Sometimes, Social Workers who are helping those who are disabled have a wonderful goal… they want to help the person become as independent as possible. They champion their client’s rights to self-determination. What to do they do? Encourage them to control their own medications. Encourage them to do things on their own. All wonderful goals — IF THEY CAN HANDLE IT.
In 90% of the cases coming into my office where my client is making this agonizing decision, it all started with a Social Worker telling their Spouse to handle their own medications and cutting the Spouse out of the process. This was the start of the spiral. This is where the road to divorce started.
What if my Spouse can’t live on their own?
Certainly, I have seen it happen many many times. The Spouse…
· Stops taking their medications correctly and start to spiral
· Their ability to take care of their physical needs starts to dwindle
· Their anxiety starts impacting the children in the home
· The self-medication of alcohol or prescription meds gets out of control
I even had one couple have to divorce for financial reasons because it would have wiped out the healthy Spouse’s ability to maintain a budget that would allow them to live just a meagerly comfortable life.
I have sat with many people, men and women, and listened as they tell stories of their once healthy Spouse. It is clear they still love and care for them. The problem is that they are in the position to choose between the Spouse and the children or the Spouse and their own life. What they are dealing with is out of their control. They no longer have the tools to help their Spouse. They are mentally worn out. Physically exhausted. At the end of their rope.
What now?
There are several different things to think about.
- Finances. Will you be required to support your Spouse?
- Divorce. Will they need a Guardian Ad Litem?
- What will happen to them AFTER the divorce? Who will take care of them.
All of this depends on the level of your Spouse’s condition. If you are worried that they are unable to live independently after the divorce, then you need to file a Guardianship case and have someone appointed to assist them. This might be a partial or full Guardianship and Conservatorship.
Who will serve as Guardian?
Often this is what keeps people stuck in their marriage too long. There is no family member able to assist their Spouse and the children either don’t want to help or simply are not in the position to help.
There is hope. Almost all counties have someone who is appointed (or elected) to help those people who don’t have family or friends to serve as a Guardian. Here in Missouri it is the Public Administrator. This is a public servant who has a staff of amazing people to help those who can’t help themselves.
There is one problem… the Spouse will need to file the Guardianship and ask that someone else is appointed. Then, once the Guardian is appointed, they hire counsel to represent the Spouse to negotiate the settlement in the divorce case.
The bonus of using the County official is that they have priority in finding your Spouse a place to live. They have all the resources to help find appropriate help for the Spouse if they can live independently but need assistance with daily living needs such as shopping, medication administration, cleaning, etc.
Should you feel guilty?
All my clients coming in feel a tremendous sense of guilt over filing for divorce. After all, divorce is “until death do us part.” If I could just share this as food for thought…
Sometimes you don’t have the tools to deal with your Spouse’s situation and others do. Don’t you want your Spouse to have the best quality of life possible?
Sometimes despite your best efforts, your Spouse’s situation is beyond what is healthy for your children to live with on a daily basis. Their mental health is important too. You need to understand your Spouse’s illness impacts the mental health of your children.
Your physical and mental health are important too! You should not feel guilty in refusing to forgo living your life in favor of taking care of your Spouse.
If your Spouse is spiraling out of control, you have no way to stop it. If their alcohol or drug addiction has chained them to unhealthy behaviors, you can’t make them get help. If their mental health is not good and they refuse to take medication, you can’t force the pills down their throat. If their physical health is beyond you being able to take care of them, it is not your fault.
I guarantee that if your Spouse is on disability, you probably have worked with their Social Worker to find solutions and they simply are not working.
If they are not on disability, it could be 1–2 years to go through the Social Security Disability application process. Guardianship can cut that time down significantly.
Your Attorney Can Help.
Talking to an attorney is a great way to find out what your road will look like in divorce. They could also refer you to an attorney who specializes in Social Security Disability or Elder Law. Most divorce attorneys can also file the Guardianship for you as well. This is preferable to help keep your costs down on the divorce.
Final Thoughts…
Everyone going through divorce struggles on if they should file. I guarantee you two things — 1. You will know when you are ready. 2. You will wish you made the decision earlier.
The longer you wait, the more likely it is that the assets of the Parties are unnecessarily depleted.
The longer you wait, the more your Spouse is going to suffer. The spiral won’t stop because you don’t have the tools to fix the problem.
Loving your Spouse does mean that you face reality and take the necessary steps to move both your lives forward. You can get them the help they need by allowing someone else to make these decisions and have the authority to legally intervene on your Spouse’s behalf to keep them safe.
Waiting can permanently impact your children’s relationship with their parent.
The further the parent spirals out of control, the more likely they will need supervised visitation with the children which then causes them to spiral further out of control. Often this can devastate your Spouse to the point they can’t crawl out of this hole. They suffer. Your children suffer. You suffer even more.
Talking with an attorney is crucial in helping you let go of the guilt and moving forward. The more you know, the better decisions you can make. You may even find what help you need to continue to stay married and maintain a healthy living environment for you and your children. Remember, staying stuck hurts everyone — your Spouse, your kids, and you.
CAUTION: If you are a husband, don’t let the attorney scare you about maintenance and losing custody of your kids. They might help you with timing, but you can do what is right for everyone.
