How To Score Points At Your Divorce Trial
Learn the secrets to scoring points with the Judge
Think about your family law case as a game — the goal is to score the most points with the Judge.
The common misconception about your trial is that when you step on the field, the scoreboard is set at 0–0. No fouls. No cautions. Just a blank even slate. Not true. Even through this might be how the game is played, there are already favorites and the umpire might kind of be on one side a bit even if they are there to do their job.
Just like any other sport, the win is most likely determined way before the game starts. It is about preparation. In sports, you have conditioning, creating plays, practicing, fundamentals… The person with the best fundamentals often has the best chance at winning. It is also about those star players on the team. No matter how good you are at the fundamentals, if you are up against a Michael Jordan or Lebron James on the court, you probably are not coming out victorious. Have Patrick Mahomes and Andy Reid as your star player and coach, then you have a huge advantage. Add in the other star players Travis Kelce, Tyreek Hill, Clyde Edwards-Helaire, Byron Pringle… (and that is just some of the offensive stars), you become a force to be reckoned with.
Another important part of any sports is the psychology of the players and coaches who want to win. They demand excellence of themselves. They practice harder and longer. No matter what, they have the kind of attitude at creates victory.
A great example of this was my son’s High School Wresting Team. His senior year they were the State Champs. How did they win? First, they had the best coach in the State. He demanded excellence and gave them the pathway to achieve it. The practiced harder than any team I had seen before. They drilled fundamentals over and over. They created the moves for offense and defense and did one until it was perfected as a TEAM and then moved on the next. All this created the confidence the wrestlers needed when they got on the mat. I always could see in my son’s eyes as he walked to the center to start the match whether he was going to win or lose. He had a plan to win. He has a confidence he was going to win. He had 63 pins in his high school career and probably more if you count all the matches outside of the high school season.
So how are you going to play your game in the Courtroom?
If you are not yet on a team, you need to pick one… and the right one.
Need help figuring it out? Check out my publication Secrets To Hiring The Right Attorney. Find out the secret sauce to the law firm… it is not what you think.
Once you are on a team, now it is about learning the fundamentals.
1. It is all about Co-Parenting! Are you doing everything you can to work as a team? In some ways, this is where the game is won and lost. The problem is that you will feel like the Judge should put more weight in this factor. Regardless of how much this plays into the Court’s decision, you have to demonstrate this to the Court… but the win comes in your child’s experience of how well the Parents get along. This is the win you need!
Treating the Co-Parenting Relationship as a Business Relationship.
No bad mouthing the other Parent.
No threats.
No denial of parenting time.
Peaceful exchanges.
Transferring clothing, toys, backpacks, homework, sporting equipment, etc without incident and getting it to your child if they forget something in your house.
Being flexible on changing times and swapping Parenting time if the other Parent requests it.
Using an online Parenting Tool (not just having it but using it!)
2. You have to show Judge the Parent YOU are with your child. What are you doing in your daily schedule with your child? What else are you doing to show up as a Parent? If you are not doing these things, start NOW! Take pictures. Find a way to naturally “report” these things to the Co-Parent without looking like you are trying to be the super parent.
Don’t forget about the big things —
Taking the child to the doctor, checking in with their teachers and attending parent/teacher conferences, participating in all the extra-curriculars (including finding out about teams and signing them up or volunteering to help coach or be the team parent who puts out information to the rest of the Parents, sponsoring the team), paying for stuff and enrolling them in extra-curriculars, buying school supplies and school clothes (actually taking them shopping and paying for it), having favorite toys, taking them to do stuff with their friends, vacations, events around town, doing stuff with your family on a regular basis (Sunday dinners with your Parents, playdates with Cousins), taking them to church, having memberships at local community centers, going to events at the library, having a valid Driver’s License, Insurance, and a reliable vehicle with appropriate car seats, providing health insurance, giving proper notification about moving, allowing your Co-Parent to meet your new significant other, paying your utility bills timely so you don’t have any shutoffs, communicating with significant people in the child’s life such as teachers, coaches, school counselors, parents of their friends, etc…
AND the small things —
Reading to your child, helping with homework, taking them to practices, posting things in the online Parenting App, making dinners, putting them to bed, playing with them, family playtime, staying home with them when they are sick, having family rules and discipline, making sure they have friends in the neighborhood who they can play with and hanging out at the neighborhood playground or pool, giving them their medication, holiday traditions, calling/ texting the child to find out how their day went, asking for 1–1 time with each child and encouraging the other Parent to do the same (if you have more than 1… like lunch dates or special activities you both enjoy), etc.
3. Keeping track of what the other Parent does (or does not do) to show up for your child. This is about the scoreboard… so you need to know what the other Parent is doing so you can keep improving your game. You also need to show their shortcomings as a Parent. You want as much evidence as possible. Remember not to act like you are the better parent because this is against #1 and Co-Parenting!
Pictures of you at events to show you participated (and maybe they did not).
Emails/ texts/ online parenting tool entries about your concerns about the child and how they did not address these concerns.
Emails/ texts/ online parenting tool entries about asking when the next doctor appointment is, or better yet, emails asking about when you could schedule it so you both can attend.
Most people are good at preserving evidence about the bad things, but remember that you can also prove a negative of the Co-Parent with the positive of what you did. Ex: have evidence about the doctor’s appointment, that you offered for them to come and asked BEFORE you scheduled it or offered to move it if it was not convenient for the other Parent (or suggested they participate by phone if possible).
Remember that part of this evidence about what they do not do is about how you offered to include them, notified them ahead of time (with sufficient time to allow them to participate), and in all ways did everything you could to Co-Parent not just point fingers.
4. Working on improving your parenting and Co-Parenting skills.
Reading books.
Listening to Podcasts.
Taking additional Co-Parenting or Parenting classes.
Being part of local Facebook groups to find out what is going on in town.
Family Counseling (if needed).
Being part of Parenting communities.
Magazines/ Memberships.
5. Listening to your children. At the end of the day, this is about them. The more you listen to them and try to accommodate their needs, the more you win at the Co-Parenting game. They need time to find the right way to transition to this new family dynamic. Play on the strengths of each Parent to provide them with the best from their Parents. You still need to work on becoming both the “Mom” and “Dad” while the kids are with you, but respect the other Parent’s roles in your child’s life and also tell your child (and the other Parent) how much you appreciate all they do for the kids.
While we started talking about how to win at trial, keep in mind that trial is only a battle… it is not winning the war. In order to win the war for your kids, you need to look at how going to trial is going to permanently change the Co-Parenting dynamic and determine if it is really worth it. If the Parent is consistently acting unilaterally, you might not be able to fix that problem, but if they know what the Judge will and will not put up with, it might (or might not) help. Remember that the Court does not want to referee between the Parents and try to get them to Co-Parent effectively. They don’t feel that is something they can accomplish so often they don’t really try unless there is complete Parental Alienation. You need help in making this determination which is why your attorney can be a huge help in making these decisions.
At the end of the day, you need to find the balance of Co-Parenting and standing up for your rights as a Parent. All this needs to be with the thought of how this impacts your children. Not standing up to a bully is not the answer and in fact can actually hurt your relationship with the kids — both for you and for them. You need to know how you can win and develop the fundamentals to beat the other Parent at their own game if they are having un-sportsman like behavior. This is where you need the resources and good coaching to have a chance to improve your skills and have a chance at changing the score on the scoreboard. You have heard me a million times recommend anything by Bill Eddy and the High Conflict Institute. Check there for great resources. You should also join our High Conflict Facebook Group.
Remember that winning is a matter of perspective. What are you winning? What are you trying to preserve for the future of the battle? How can you look at the short term and the long term to have the best outcome for your kids? These are the questions you need to ask your self and discuss with your attorney.
Want to know more about Carrie Sue Doxsee, JD? Go to CarrieSueDoxsee.com
