How to Survive the Holidays Without Burning Down the Christmas Tree
Tools to help you deal with the high conflict people at family holiday events. #DramaFreeHoliday
We all love the holidays… especially Thanksgiving through New Years. There is only ONE PROBLEM — Family Drama. Do we have to go to that family party? Wouldn’t it be nice to see everyone AND have new strategies to deal with the crazy in our family?
All the decorating is done…
The house is clean and ready for company…
The table is set…
The food looks amazing…
Everything looks beautiful…
In our hearts, we all hope it will go better this year. Maybe for once, everyone will behave and the holiday spirit will take over. We have worked SO HARD and we just want everything to go well. There is only one problem… we have a family member who ALWAYS causes drama. There does not seem to be a good solution. Is there a way to make it different this year? Maybe! Let’s see if I can help.
In getting ready to write this article I was searching for Podcasts and other written materials. There is the NORMAL STUFF… (stuff I am 100% guilty of and am working on myself)- wanting the perfect holiday. Everything comes out tasting amazing, the decoration is awesome, everyone tells you what a great job you did. The problem is, you are 100% exhausted and many times it is not even fun for you. Even if you are not the host, you may feel like staying home! It could be stuff you have been fighting with your siblings over your whole life. Maybe you don’t really like a spouse of a family member. Maybe your mom or dad is a pill and you don’t like medicine. Could it be your mother-in-law always finds a way to make herself look amazing and you look less than? Does your husband say how amazing it is at his parent’s home and never compliments you on anything? Are your kids a nightmare and everyone comments about it? Maybe your cousin and spouse are doing amazing and you and your family are barely getting by. Whatever it is, holidays can be stressful.
You are probably thinking at least one of these things…
🎄 Nobody helps me do all this work!
🎄 I worked so hard that now I don’t even want to have people over (I need a nap).
🎄 My spouse’s family is so annoying 😒and I don’t want to spend time with them.
🎄There is someone I really don’t want to come.
🎄 I am not feeling the holiday spirit (life is difficult right now) 😢.
🎄I don’t feel part of this family.
🎄 I don’t want to have to talk about… (fill in the blank) and my family is going to ask me about it. 😳
🎄 Being around a bunch of people is not my favorite thing (especially these people).
Everyone has normal stuff in their family. While I could write about this stuff… what I am talking about is the the NOT SO NORMAL stuff. Family drama that might be at another level. This is the …
Yelling and screaming stuff…
Drunk relative stuff…
Fistfights in the front yard stuff…
Below the belt comments stuff…
There is drama and there is HIGH CONFLICT DRAMA. You might ask, “what is high conflict drama?” If you have it in your family you know it without me having to answer this question. You don’t need to know what it is; you need to know what to do when it happens. For the rest of you who are lucky and don’t know what this looks like…
[H]igh conflict drama is a term that describes increasing or prolonging conflicts unnecessarily rather than making efforts to manage or resolve them. -High Conflict Institute
In the course I just finished with High Conflict Institute, they listed four fundamental characteristics of high-conflict behavior:
· All-or-nothing thinking and solutions
· Unmanaged or intense emotions
· Extreme negative behaviors or threats
· Preoccupation with blaming others.
A high conflict person wants to make the situation a winner takes all result and cannot see any portion of the conflict as their fault. This person takes things to a whole other level which could result in emotional or physical abuse, a whole lot of yelling which is out of proportion with the stress or issues, making someone out to be the bad guy and trying to alienate the person from the rest of the family, or other extreme actions. They could erupt a simple argument into a fist fight.
The truth is, high conflict drama does not always have to be something as extreme as what is mentioned above. Sometimes it is. Plus, this person is not a pain 100% of the time either. This event might not have any issues or problems. The next event could be a total disaster. They normally focus on one person at a time (or every time). Sometimes the real stress is wondering if they will act up and who might be the target — because it could be anyone. Put two of them in the room at the same time and who knows what will happen. Often this is a characteristic of a particular family which might inflame things for someone who is not used to dealing with this type of behavior. When you are not the recipient of the behavior, you might not really understand why someone in the family wants to back away from attending events and you may misconstrue what is actually going on. The truth is, they are family so what can you really do about it anyway?
What I am hoping to help you with is the person who, no matter what you do, they just ruin the holiday. It has nothing to do with you, but more about their personality issues. There is some hope and some survival techniques to help you make it better than last year. You need the tools to not engage in the conflict while not giving the person a pass on bad behavior.
It is important to know there is a pattern to this behavior. Believe it or not, this all starts with a perceived threat by the high conflict person (HCP). Anyone else might not see it is a threat, but they do. They have a mistaken feeling of danger. Either way, they react defensively and to us, it seems like bad behavior. So the natural reaction is negative feedback to the bad behavior. The problem is, this confirms their thought process about the event.
Result = a circle of events that keeps increasing the reaction by the individual.
They are so focused on defending themselves that they do not hear the negative feedback and change their behavior accordingly.
Result= doubling down on the bad behavior.
So what do you do?
- Remain calm.
2. Respectfully correct the misperception.
3. Set limits for their behavior.
4. Avoid the negative criticism.
Sounds clinical right? How do we do this? What exactly does this type of response look like?
🎅 Don’t try to give the person insight into their own behavior. Don’t label them a high conflict person or say they are difficult.
This person has NO ability to have an outside person give them insight into their behavior as they are too wrapped up in defending themselves and targeting blame. They don’t believe they are ever wrong. So trying to get them to see this in themselves is useless.
🎅 Don’t bring up the past.
Someone who is a high conflict person wants to focus on the past and how they were right and you were wrong. They seek to bring in other family members to gang up on you and be on their side. Some family may appear to do so, not because they agree, but as a technique to minimize the drama. You however, feel run over and isolated from everyone. The truth is that this is an argument you will NEVER win. They will not take responsibility for their wrong behavior in a past event. The only way to get them unstuck is to help them focus on the future. It is harder for them to get defensive about something that has not happened yet.
🎅 Don’t try to convince them they are wrong.
A high conflict person has NO insight into what part they play in a situation. It is all 100% you… what you did; what you said. So trying to get them to admit they played a part in a situation is not likely. Now, sometimes they may “admit” ” to something they did wrong — if it is their idea or to make themselves look good. However, you will never really get satisfaction from this type of admission anyway because it won’t feel 100% genuine and that they really get what they did wrong. So take a pass on trying to prove you are right about anything with them. Throw away the anger of how they acted because it only will impact you. You deserve to be happy so just let it go. Claim the victory in your head if you have to, but don’t try to win a war with them. It simply won’t work.
🎅Offense is the best Defense
This does not mean to strike first. The truth is, empathy, respect, and attention works! When you show them you care and are genuinely interested, they will respond positively. What I suggest is that you go up to them and start talking to them instead of trying to avoid them. Ask them if they are doing anything new. Do they have any New Year’s resolutions? Any big plans for the coming year? Any other holiday plans? Stay away from any topics that might set them off with YOU. Don’t set an intentional fire of having them talk about a job they hate or their ex spouse or anything else just to get the focus off you. Try to focus on things that you hope won’t have a time bomb attached.
Give a heartfelt compliment. Encourage them if appropriate. If they start complaining about something, say things like “I can see how frustrating that is for you.” Remember, their behavior has left them in a place where they rarely receive positive feedback. Maybe this was even an issue they had as a child or they have a job that is constantly negative. It could be they have had trauma in their life which impacts their ability to have a reaction consistent with their surroundings and circumstances. This does not make them a bad person, even if they are difficult.
Although this may be the opposite of what you feel like doing, it really does work most of the time. Be the person you want to be. This is the true victory.
🎅 When things go well… tell them you enjoyed talking to them.
If you do have any success, let them know you really enjoyed the conversation. Again, this is all about positive feedback. Don’t press your luck and let the conversation go on too long. A short good conversation is the goal. Don’t assume that if it went well on the first try you should go in for a second later in the event. The likelihood that a second try will go as well is minimal as they probably have not been able to stay positive the entire party.
🎅 Chose your battles.
This great advice on how to deal with your children applies here. Ok, they are not children, but the situation is the same. Some things you cannot win. Maybe they person should be able to act in a particular way. The truth is, when they are in a fight or flight mode, you cannot reason with them. This really comes down to setting boundaries of what is acceptable. However, with HCPs you have to do this very carefully!
I know you are thinking, Carrie Sue, that sounds all nice and everything but you don’t know this person. You don’t understand how they act. Well, you are right. I don’t know them. I don’t know how they act. I don’t know your history with them. What I do know is some things YOU might do WRONG in reacting to them. So let’s give you some tips on how to handle situations better.
😇 Don’t come to the event tired.
If you are tired, you will not have the best chance to control your emotions. If you are hosting the event, build in an hour time to rest before everyone gets there. You may only get in 10 minutes, but if you plan ahead to build yourself a buffer, you are more likely to get some time to relax. Make sure your family knows that you need this time and enlist them to help at the last minute BEFORE you need it. If you are heading to an event, this is still important. I suggest 10 minutes minimum to get into a good head space. So what do you do? Lay down by yourself in a quiet environment or take a few extra minutes in the car after your family went in (make up a story that you need to run to the store if you have to and then say you will be right in). Relax. Then go on to the next step.
😇 Set your intention before you walk in the door (or people ring the doorbell).
This is a popular concept with the entrepreneur set and is GREAT advice for us in this situation. You need to make up your mind that no matter what happens, you are going to stay calm, not react, and use the tools you know to minimize the drama. Plus, you are going to forgive yourself at the outset that it is not going to play out like you have planned. Do your best. Then let the rest go the moment it happens. Do not give them the power to ruin the holiday for you or everyone else. Do not worry about getting other people on your side… this only makes the drama bigger and makes the high conflict person fight harder and longer. It is NOT YOUR JOB to regulate this person or to worry about what anyone in the family thinks about the situation (yes, I said that what they think is NONE of your business). It is your job to control the only person you can- YOU. So, before you start the party, take a moment and think about who you want to be in this event.
How are you going to be your best with ALL the family?
Who do you want to talk to and how can you help them feel comfortable at the party?
What you will find is that you might not be the only person uncomfortable in this party. Somebody might be naturally quiet. Another person might be anxious at family events. Could it be that you are not the only person worried about how this particular difficult relative might act (not that you will talk about it with anyone)? Instead of focusing on what that person might do, focus on what you can do to help someone else have a good time. This was a HUGE blessing I learned the last holiday season and it really helped me be a better hostess (at least I felt like I was better which is a step in the right direction)!
Think through what you will say and how you will act with various family members. When you go in, give a huge hug to the hostess and a thank you to the host. If the event is at your home, great everyone at the door and don’t be doing things in the kitchen when they arrive. If this is not possible, make it a point to stop what you are doing as quickly as possible and go speak to them for a moment. No exceptions!
😇 Don’t drink too much alcohol
If you are the host, you might be tempted not to serve alcohol. Well, if someone wants to drink at your event they will BYOB (which could be worse). So, again, the only person you can control is who? You. We are all human. Sometimes when you are stressed out you drink more than you should… a little liquid courage or as a way to manage the stress. So to fight off making a mistake, you should have set your intention on who you want to be at this party and that includes a person with a one drink minimum (or choose not to drink at all). If you are driving, you should not be drinking more than one anyway, right? So, this tip now becomes a no brainer. You have already made up your mind.
Also less obvious than the drinking is overeating (or maybe not eating at all). When you are in a food coma or your body is in starvation mode, you will feel less able to respond to a stressful situation in a positive manner and thus, putting you in fight or flight mode. This is a sure recipe for disaster… plus it is not good for your health either. So again, use the “set intention” and tell yourself exactly what you are going to eat, what you will avoid, and that no matter what- no seconds. If it is finger foods, know how many plates you will have (after all they will be small 😉). If you won’t be comfortable without having something in your hands, think of something you could use instead of a glass or a plate. Maybe it is a stack of cards and you don’t pass them out until you have talked to each individual person. Anything you can do to manage your stress will be a shield when you have to deal with the high conflict person(s) in the room.
😇 React only to what is happening in the here and now… not all 10+ years of drama with this person.
So when we talked about tools of what to do/not do, I mentioned not bringing up the past with the high conflict person. Well this goes for you too. Leave that stuff at the door. Nothing that happened before today matters. You don’t have to count up all their bad behaviors in the past. You don’t have to relive all the things they have said and done to you or your spouse (or whomever). Remember, this person does not have the ability to have a normal reaction. This has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them. They may make you out to be the bad guy to everyone — especially in-laws. Remind yourself that nobody’s opinion matters more than your feeling that you did everything you could to be a good guest and bring joy to the room (not suck the air out of it). Be thankful that you are not a person like that family member. In fact, look for anything to help you feel thankful at this gathering.
Remember, you can control yourself! You need to choose if you are going to add energy to the person’s bad behavior or not? Note, for those of you who are saying “it is not fair” on the other side of this article, you are correct- It is NOT fair. This is not about being fair. It is about you choosing to protect everyone else in the room over trying to justify and prove you did nothing wrong. Believe me, everyone sees what this person is doing and you don’t have to say a word in your own defense. The less you react and the more they target you, the more obvious it is to everyone around who the problem really is.
Hopefully this article has given you a small insight on dealing with High Conflict People.
If some of this sounds like it could help, I STRONGLY recommend that you read some of the books by Bill Eddy.
My favorite is Biff: Quick Responses to High-Conflict People, Their Personal Attacks. Title is awful but the content and these skills are like winning the lottery! This books gives some GREAT examples on how to frame the correct response to an attack from a High Conflict Person.
Another good one, although it is a bit more geared to legal issues… but still packs a bunch on practical application on how to deal with a HCP, is So, What’s Your Proposal?: Shifting High-Conflict People from Blaming to Problem-Solving in 30 Seconds.
My third recommendation by Bill Eddy is It’s All Your Fault! 12 Tips for Managing People Who Blame Others for Everything.
You can also find Articles on this topic at the High Conflict Institute website.
Want to follow our High Conflict Rescue Facebook Page? Go to https://www.facebook.com/HighConflictCustodyRescue/ and see more content on subject of the High Conflict Person and especially how to deal with issues when Co-Parenting with one. This page is meant to be interactive. I won’t be giving legal advice (that is for your attorney who represents you), but I will help facilitate the conversation about this difficulty and how to manage it as best as possible.
Wishing you the happiest holiday in 2019!
You can be the best you by learning the skills to deal with a HCP and practicing them. It will be difficult at first as you will want to do everything you can to defend yourself. However, as this goes on, you will find you are better able to handle the situations as they come up and will be less fearful of being in a situation where you might encounter this person. The only person you have to worry about is you. Not everyone’s opinion of you. Not whether that HCP will win yet again.
The best part is that by focusing on these techniques, you will also bring blessings on everyone else at a family event. This is how to change the win/lose strategy of the high conflict person into your own win/win solution! Good luck! Happy holidays.
