Is Parental Alienation The Next Thing The Court Does Not Care About?
Does the “No Fault” system extend this far?
Yesterday, I read an opinion of a case that I had started. The client thought they could get a better result with someone else, but unfortunately, they were wrong. As I read the opinion, I was so sad and super angry at the result. When I left the case, the Judge had seen the behaviors of Mom. In fact, she even had another Contempt for not allowing contact. So what happened?
If you have been a victim of parental alienation you already know…
There is a huge effort on behalf of the parent to do everything to alienate you, not just from the children, but from every person who touches the child.
In this case, evidence was brought out that my client refused to participate and pay for counseling. I actually spoke with the counselors who specifically told me that they were not authorized by Mom to talk to Dad and was told he would not participate. My client called many times… I also was told this from the counselor. So how do you participate if the other Parent won’t allow it? Plus, if there is an order of Joint Custody, the counselors can’t continue to provide treatment without BOTH Parents consent. This is 100% what happened, but apparently either that evidence was not brought up at trial by the new attorney or the Court chose to fault my old client anyway.
The same is true at your child’s school. You must actively get in there and demand to be part of the process. Often, you have already been made out to be the bad guy and this is one of the reasons you won’t be kept in the loop. The school always has an excuse of why they can’t do something, but it is up to you to refuse to accept it. The problem is that by trying to enforce your Parental rights, you look like an ass and they hate you all the more. The key is how you do it.
Here are some of the mistake people make…
They get tired. They stop fighting because they feel they can’t win.
They don’t go to the Judge to fight for the chance to participate and then actually follow through.
They don’t get the children into counseling on their own.
They don’t find the practical solution to prove the other Parent’s moves are made to alienate them.
Ok, so this all sounds easy enough, right? It is not!
#1- Getting tired.
If you think that by stop fighting for your child you look like the reasonable one… the good guy… it will be used against you. I totally get that it seems like insanity to do the thing over an over again with the same result. The problem is, you don’t have the right tools to win this game. Start educating yourself.
Don’t stop fighting, just get better at it.
There is a fine line here and you have to learn how to play the game better than they do. There are certain things to give into and certain things to fight about… but you also have to learn to “fight” in a way that looks like you are attempting to minimize conflict not increase it. I promise you that you cannot do that on your own without learning the tools to help you succeed.
You also have to learn to let the attorney fight your battles for you. We are here to be the bad guys. Let us take the hits from the Opposing Party, Opposing Counsel, and the Judge. This is our job.
#2- Going to the Judge and getting a win and not following through.
Seems inconceivable, right? Stuff can not work out the way you thought and then you might get stuck again. So here is a good example… you win to get family counseling with someone specific. Then you can’t get it or the other Party tries to get in there and block it somehow… they don’t have a slot on your time and the other Parent won’t give up there time. The win dies it’s own death.
The real problem is that you needed to have this in place with a time and date BEFORE the hearing to ensure that there is not a snag in the first place .
When you hit a snag, you have to go back to the Court for a change to the Order and tell them why.
You have to be able to document everything you did to make it happen.
#3 Not getting the children into family counseling.
You need family counseling. Don’t wait for the Judge to Order it. Don’t wait for the other Parent to ok it. I would much rather my client do it behind the other Parent’s back than worry about how it looks like they are not Co-Parenting. Just remember, you need a counselor that deals with Parental Alienation. It takes time to make progress so this should happen even before you go back to Court if possible.
The trick here is to find the narrative for the Co-Parent to think they look like the hero by allowing this.
Use their confidence that they never do anything wrong and that you are a piece of “#$%&”. Any time you can make it out to be something they dreamed up, then you will get the win. Maybe that is enlisting the school counselor to suggest it. I guarantee there is a way. You just have to find the Co-Parent’s weakness and use it.
Be ready — it is going to hurt! The children are going to tell the counselor that you are a bad parent. You need to have your own individual counseling to deal with this and learn how to say the right things in the family counseling sessions. Plus, this shows just how serious you are to making whatever changes you need to make to improve your relationship with your children.
#4 Find the practical solution.
A great example here is when you go to pick up the children and they won’t come out. Easy fix, change the transportation that the Co-Parent brings to your house and you take them home at the end of the time. This works believe it or not. It may not get your kids in the door, but it does put the blame on the other Parent that they won’t require them to come into the house. Since the other Parent will do anything not look bad, the kids will come in — trust me.
Sometimes taking a step backward, is better than it seems. Example here is to utilize the help of a private supervised visitation service. This will show that you are coming on time and participating. It will show that you are doing the right things with the children. You have proof that it is not you! Even if the kids are not loving coming, you need to ask the supervisor for suggestions on how to best reach the children. Any time you get them involved and show your vulnerability, you get an ally. I promise you they are in the business because they want to help families find solutions. Again, just like anything, it can backfire. So come in with the right tools, saying all the right things, and improve your chances of this working for you and not against you.
Always assume a fight even before it happens. Great example here is if the children have prescribed medication (even if you don’t agree they need it), video tape EVERY time you give it to them even before the other Party tries to say you won’t give the children their medicine.
If the kids have homework, take pictures of the completed homework and keep it in your Google Drive with the dates of the assignments.
If you are taking the kids to practice, take a video of it, put it in your Google Drive for safekeeping and then Facebook it.
Starting to get the picture here? The best defense is an offense in this situation! Get ahead of everything!
If you use OFW for your communication tool, put ALL of it in there so the attorneys can see. Attorneys cannot bring a false argument to the Court. This is a great defense from the Judge ever hearing about things in the first place.
What if nothing works?
This is where I get sad… because the system often just does not seem to care or hold the other Parent accountable. It is much easier to believe that you are a bad parent that your story about Parental Alienation. It seems like this tactic is your excuse for not standing up being the parent you need to be.
Sometimes, the Court is right… you are the problem. I know you don’t want to hear that, but I see it all the time. People don’t want to take accountability for their failures.
Your job is to do everything to change YOU…
· Change how you react to situations
· Change how you are communicating to the other Parent
· Utilize online parenting tools for your communication
· Read books
· Take classes
· Join support groups
· Get individual counseling
· Start family counseling and be prepared to listen
· Keep your extended family part of your child’s life
· Don’t expect your children to be on your side (or even ask them to choose)
· Text your kids but don’t expect a response
· Find out what activities they participate in and show up to EVERYTHING no matter what
· Get on the school’s calendar so you know about events
· Check in with their teachers on a regular basis
· Show up for a lunch at school with food from McDonalds for your child and their friends
· Make an appointment with the school counselor, Principal, teachers
· Volunteer to help the coaches or other people involved with the child
· If your kids attend church, start going to that church too.
· Keep a journal that you write to your children on a regular basis. Some day they will see it and know what was in your heart.
· Don’t stop trying!!!!!
There are times when, no matter what you do, the other Parents seems to win. I get it. What helps is knowing everything you are doing to try to make it right. Putting all this into a journal so one day your child knows just how committed you were to trying to change to make things better. I would leave out saying something negative about the Co-Parent… it will be obvious.
The cool thing is that as you work on yourself, you do start to see this differently. It becomes less painful in a way because you take out the possibility that it is your fault. You don’t blindly put 100% of the fault of the other Parent and see how you might be able to be a better Parent through all of this. You don’t sit back and do nothing… even when it seems like it is not getting better.
Take accountability and stop hating the Co-Parent
Even when the Co-Parent is doing everything to hurt you, when your anger shows, your credibility with third-parties tanks. Don’t look like the bad guy simply because you have this righteous anger. Stop bad-mouthing the other Parent and simply show up as a good parent. You don’t have to toot your own horn. Just show up. Do what you need to do.
You are not alone. The Facebook Groups alone are off the chart for parental alienation and high conflict co-parenting. The good news is that there is support from people going through the same situations. There is also good news because there are resources that can help. Anything by Bill Eddy and the High Conflict Institute is amazing. Start there.
Let’s figure this out together and find a way to make the Court care and see just how much damage this is doing to children!
PS… Don’t forget to follow me for more articles on how to deal with the HCCP (High Conflict Co-Parent). I would love some claps too!
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