Parenting Without Conflict

10 Must Have Resources To Help High Conflict Co-Parenting Families

What is keeping your kids up at night?

Going through a Divorce is so hard… but what is going on with your kids? How are they dealing with it? What is keeping them up at night?

One of my more interesting cases felt a bit like a chicken or the egg situation. The Dad had anger issues. The Child was hyper sensitive and afraid when Dad blew up. Mom and Dad had definite emotional abuse if not a small amount of physical abuse as the history of their relationship. It was clear that Mom and Child had fear of Dad. BUT… it also felt like Mom was using this as a way to keep the Child away from Dad. She fueled the fear…. maybe.

Another component to all this is the Child and how they are able to process things. Sometimes what they see and how they judge things are through the eyes of a Child… know what I mean? It is not exact reality — only what they can understand and process. It makes things complicated. Their PTSD is real whether it is totally justified or not.

So whose side is the Court on in those situations? The Parent. Not the Child. And it will make Mom feel even more vulnerable and abused because now the one place they should be able to turn to does not care about the abuse and their child. On the other hand, Dad needs help to get to the other side of this with their child. How can we help this family?

The truth is, every member of that family needs and deserves help. In my opinion, as the attorney, I don’t want to leave them in that mess. The problem is the Court cannot take the place of a therapist. The Guardian Ad Litem is not the counselor. Each person who helps this family has a unique position. Judges grows increasingly frustrated with these cases as they see repeat filers not make any headway in fixing their own problems. It is a mess.

So how do you climb out of this circle of high conflict?

First of all, let me clarify something here — often you do have a Parent who has a High Conflict Personality/ borderline Personality Disorder (maybe even a full blown, diagnosable, mental health issue). Narcissism is real. Personality Disorder is a diagnosable thing. Bi-Polar Disorder can be a problem if the Parent is not seeking treatment and taking medication. An Alcoholic or Drug Addicted Parent turns the High Conflict case into a 4 Alarm Fire that takes multiple professionals to help make real changes for the family. The truth is that sometimes you can’t fix one of the Parents because they will never recognize they have a problem or they just can’t find the strength to overcome it.

Before you throw your hands up and think you will never fix this problem, let me tell you two quick stories of hope. I have had several cases where the High Conflict pretty much evaporated. True Stories. Real families. So how did this happen?

Case 1: Mom had accused Dad of things that were not true and the story was so bad it was obvious. Dad was afraid of what Mom would accuse him of next. All this was fueled by some borderline personality disorder and high conflict behaviors. What was the catalyst for hope? Mom make a big alcohol related goof up while she had the child for her parenting time. The Guardian Ad Litem (the attorney for the minor children aka GAL) now knew my client was not making all this up or being hyper sensitive. Once people believed him, he could let go of wanting to be right and instead could focus on helping Mom become a better person for the sake of his children. Dad agreed to counseling for Mom with the promise that he would not seek to obtain the counseling records and use them against her in court. He chose to use a Parallel Parenting approach so long as the children were safe. Dad read books, sought outside support, and did everything he could to change his behavior. This included no longer staying silent when there was a problem. He found his voice and had the tools to minimize the conflict. I was so proud of him! We also used an alcohol monitoring system to help keep Mom accountable about her drinking while the children were in her care and custody and allow Dad the opportunity to build confidence that she was able to refrain from drinking during her parenting time. All the attorneys had the same goal… to help them not to punish Mom. Guess what? It totally worked. This family had a happy ending even after the case was over. I am not saying they live in Disneyland… there are still moments… but overall this was the best outcome possible.

Case 2: This one was not so pretty, but the end result was positive — but not because the Court helped the situation. In this case, Mom was acting out of character. Dad knew it. We really could not figure it out. In the end, it was the boyfriend who was creating all the drama. The Guardian Ad Litem totally blew this one. Nobody believed Dad. They let the relationship between the Dad and his son deteriorate and destroyed his relationship with another child in their home. This one stung. I could not believe the total failure of the Court system. This is the fear of every Parent going through this type of situation. My guy spent all this money and for what? In the end, Mom’s significant other showed his true colors, Mom saw that it was not Dad doing stuff but the boyfriend planting the seeds. The relationship between Mom and Dad repaired itself, little by little. The problem — the child had to live through it all. Had the Guardian Ad Litem truly had her client’s interest at the center of the case, we could have avoided a lot of trauma for this child.

The Court system does not have the answers you seek. The good news is that you do... you just don’t know it yet.

So what can you do to help your situation?

1. Alcohol/Drug related issues. Use monitoring systems. One of my favorites is Soberlink. This works for alcohol testing and uses a portable monitoring device which sends the results instantly into the system. When there is a positive test, it sends out notification to the Parent and their attorney of the testing results. The good news is that you can use this any time of the day. So issues with nighttime drinking can be combatted.
2. Books by Bill Eddy. My favorite one is BIFF for Co-Parents. It helps you with your part in minimizing the conflict and how you can improve the Co-Parenting unilaterally. Anything written by this author is gold.
3. Online Communication Tools. I highly recommend both Our Family Wizard and Talking Parents for High Conflict Co-Parenting cases. Having something that can be monitored by the attorneys and GAL is super helpful.
4. Pattern Viewer: I have not used this tool yet… just found it. I think it might be a cheaper way to show the patter of the abusive Co-Parent. Pattern Viewer is offered through the High Conflict Institute founded by Bill Eddy. The premise is that you upload documents of communication between the Parties and they find the patterns to help you prove parental alienation or high conflict instituted by one Parent. The patter is the key to proving allegations in Court. Pricing is based on amount of documents which are reviewed and is a one time product not an ongoing service.
5. Specialized Parenting Classes: I am a fan of the two classes from the High Conflict Institute — New Ways for Families and Parenting Without Conflict. Having taken some of Bill Eddy’s trainings myself, I find that the content provided is on point, full of examples to help you recognize behaviors, and solution based to provide tools to help you make different choices in how you move forward in the Co-Parenting Relationship.
6. Yes, No, Maybe Communication. Mediation teaches us to use this approach, but it works outside of negotiations. The concept is that when you are asking for something (feedback about an issue, a change of weekends, or anything that requires agreement) you make a CLEAR offer or statement (with details) and then let the other Parent respond with an answer with one of the following: “Yes, I agree. Let’s do it.”; “No, I am not in agreement, but what about…”; or “I might be agreeable. Let me think about it. I will get back to you tomorrow night on this issue.” In the “No” option it is important to give your counter-suggestion or explain why you don’t agree. In the “Maybe” answer, it is crucial to give a time when a response will be given.
7. Journaling. It is super helpful to journal about your experience. This helps you remember crucial details and to reflect back on things that come up and see if they are truly as big a deal in the overall picture as they were in the moment. It also helps you explore you emotions about an issue to see if the problem is deeper. The hard part is that it forces you to be accountable and honest with yourself on how you are impacting the conflict. I highly recommend Benjamin Hardy’s Journaling Mastery Course. It is not expensive, but it gives you so much thought on why journaling is important. One of the ideas I love is to keep a journal of the special events in your life including stuff you do with your kids. This would be an amazing gift for your children someday.
8. Outside Support. Having the support you need is crucial for your mental health and your ability to stand up and be a good Parent to your child. Many of my client have found solace in being a part of a Facebook Group focusing on High Conflict Co-Parenting. Knowing that you are not alone does not fix the problem, but it helps. Sometimes people do post good solutions to problems you might also face.
9. Counseling, EBT, Meditation, and other professional help. This is truly essential. Whether this is for you and/or your child, this relentless attack takes a toll and needs some professional help to develop proper coping techniques. Not a fan of counseling, at least try Tap Therapy. EBT is all the rage right now. It seems hokey, but it actually does work! My friend Brad Reed has helped me for sure. Exercise and Yoga can also really help with the pent up feelings you have. Meditation can help you clear your mind and find the peace you need to walk through the High Conflict journey.
10. Finding the Right Attorney and Mediator. I cannot emphasize this enough (although I am biased of course)… not all attorneys are up to the task of High Conflict Co-Parenting cases and many of them actually make it worse! Want to know the secret to finding the right attorney? First, ask about what resources they might recommend to help you. Second, talk to the Paralegal… they do the majority of the work on your case. Want more info on finding the right attorney? You can grab my free eBook “Secrets to Finding The Right Attorney”. The other tip for you is to use Transformative Mediation. This involves an additional session for each Parent with the mediator before the joint session. The Parties have a chance to help the Mediator understand their frustrations and what is keeping the Parties from finding solutions. The mediator can work with the Parties in the individual session on tools to help them in their individual Co-Parenting journey which in turn will help them minimize the conflict between the Parties. Plus, even if you don’t utilize Transformative Style and do a Traditional Mediation Style, you will know the Mediator has been trained to deal with High Conflict Co-Parents.

Building a better relationship with your Co-Parent takes work!

Whether your Co-Parent ever does anything to improve the Co-Parenting Relationship or not, your kids deserve YOUR effort to make things better. Using these 10 resources will help you feel greater peace despite the circumstances of your difficult Co-Parent. Remember, the goal is this…

Your kids deserve to be happy!