Roller Coaster Of Divorce
It is a heck of a ride
Many years ago, when I was going through my divorce, I was astonished with the ups and downs of my emotions and the process. After all, I was a divorce attorney… who knew my clients were going through this much drama.
To be honest, not that many divorces had crazy ups and downs as mine did. My husband at the time was working for a Financial Firm that was being investigated by the FBI, one of the disgruntled investors tried to kidnap one the owner’s children, and meanwhile my husband was having an affair behind my back and moved his girlfriend into our neighborhood. My friends had an intervention to tell me what was going on. I was totally devastated and I was a hot mess. It is one heck of a story.
Since my husband and I were both attorneys who had actively practiced in our County in the past, we had to get a Judge from out of town and I had an attorney from out of town as well. I remember that something really upset me and I called my attorney’s office after hours and left a long message since it I couldn’t schedule an appointment in the office. My attorney called me back and game me the attorney speech.
“You know Carrie Sue, I am happy to talk to you about these things, but just remember that you are paying me by the hour to do so. You might want to think about this the next time something like this comes up.”
Attorney speak: This emotional stuff does not matter to me.
So did I have a bad attorney or maybe not the right attorney for me? This guy was a great attorney. In the end, the case was settled at our trial date. I basically got the kids and he pretty much got the money. He was right in that the LEGAL result did not depend on the emotional stuff.
There is one problem… the emotional stuff kept me stuck in that emotional jail which seemed like it was going to be a life without parole sentence. I some ways it was. Why? Because the emotional stuff was not resolved.
Family law has so many ups and downs. When you have kids, it is essential to deal with the underlying issues. It is NOT just about the custody and parenting time schedules. The problem with a lot of attorneys and the Court is that it does not treat the symptoms or even really ask about them. Often, they just superimpose a mandate and walk away like that is what is best for the family. It is disappointing and often leaves people disillusioned that the Judge (and the system) does not truly care about children.
For me, starting my company, Legal Lifeguards, was all about helping people who are not getting the results they need… either due to lack of finances or the inability of the legal system to deal with the entire experience of their divorce. There are often many pieces to the puzzle. Maybe a family counselor or a Co-Parent Counselor can help. Sometimes there needs to be a Mental Exam when you have a parent who is alienating the other Parent from the children. Your attorney can walk you through options… if you have someone who specializes in High Conflict Divorce and you have $20–30,000 to throw at your case.
The problem is that the Court really does not have the time to get their hands dirty in all of this. Unless you have the right Guardian Ad Litem in these high conflict cases they are not interested in the managing the craziness either. Why? Because the Court lacks the tools to fix this problem and frankly, sometimes there is not fixing the relationship between the Parties. The result is either the buck is passed off and the Court does nothing to stop the bad behavior or one Parent loses completely. Either way, the child loses.
I hear you saying… so there is nothing I can do about this crazy Co-Parent?
This is not exactly true. First, one thing that is super helpful is to use a Co-Parent Counselor. When there is an issue, you have a trained counselor or attorney to mediate and work with the Parties to try to resolve issues and find compromises. This is not about just the problem, but why the problems keep coming up.
For me, in my divorce, my then husband told me “The kids would be better off if you were dead.” One sentence that changed my life. Some people could brush off that comment, but I could not. It has stayed with me and 20+ years later my head still goes there if there are issues with my children. I can never be in the room with my Ex without feeling uncomfortable. I still feel like that women trapped inside my divorce. Of course over the years it has started to fade away. It did get easier. But I did not have to suffer all those years had my attorney dealt with the issue. If someone had cared enough to find out the “why” of our conflict. I have no idea if that was something said in anger… but it came from somewhere… for some reason. If there was something that needed to be fixed, wouldn’t it have been my children’s best interest to get to the bottom of it? It truly is essential for your children’s mental health to fix these issues between the Parents. Otherwise your child has to live in a world of feeling like they are choosing between their Parents. They have to live with this tension at every extra-curricular or school event, ever big moment in their life like graduation or weddings, and once they have children it is hard to share important moments in their child’s life with both the Parents.
What else can I do?
There are excellent tools which you can learn and put in your toolbox. Whether it is learning the balance of sticking up for yourself without increasing the argument, or online parenting tools to help you communicate without speaking directly to each other, to learning how to process your emotions and not let this person drag you into arguments all the time. There is hope. Read any book by Bill Eddy and you will find some relief.
If you want to know more, I would encourage you to follow me on my High Conflict Co-Parenting Facebook Page. You can find announcements about my Podcast coming soon!
