Should I File For Divorce?

The journey to taking the steps to change your life… Finances stopping you? (Part 2of 3)

The journey into divorce is not easy for most people. I have been there myself. I actually filed my divorce, dismissed it, and then had it reopened again. Some people file, dismiss, and then refile at a later time. I actually had a client file 3 times (and never went through with any of them) :). The good news for her is that it really did change her marriage for the better. Not always the case, but it does happen… sometimes. Don’t kid yourself though. Once you file for divorce you need to be ready for what happens next and how you financially are going to survive.

Finances stopping you from filing for divorce? Get prepared!

In part 1 of this 3 part series about making the decision to file for divorce, I talked about how domestic violence plays into this decision. Today, I am talking about something else that also stops people from filing — — Finances.

· What am I going to do about getting a place to live? Will I have first and last months rent to pay?

· What about making my house payment, car payment, paying all the bills AND child support? How can I do that when I can barely make it now?

· What if I have to pay maintenance? How much is it going to be?

· I have been a stay at home wife and mom… I don’t have any money to file for divorce or to live on my own.

· How am I going to afford an attorney? Aren’t they super expensive?

The truth is, getting divorce is going from one set of expenses to two people who need to make it on the money they have. Very few households have disposable income sufficient to make this leap. So what do you do?

1. You need a realistic budget. Start working on what you will need so we can reverse engineer how you can attain it. Whether you are the one who will move out or not, you should be doing a little research about rentals in your area so you have an idea of all the possibilities in front of you. Plus, you will have an idea what your Spouse faces if they move out. When you talk to rental agents, find out the average utility costs as well.
2. If you own a home, you need to talk to a real estate agent about the value of your home or, at the very least, check out what Zillow.com says the value is for your home.
3. You need to open your own bank account and start putting some money in the account. Don’t worry about making this your primary account at this point. Just get prepared.
4. Get one or two additional credit cards. It is important to establish your own credit card so you will have the back up you need down the road.
5. Gather documents you need. I suggest that you create a new Gmail account and use the Google Drive to start storing your documents. This would include tax returns for the last 3 years, bank statements (actual statements you pull off the online banking not the daily balance sheets), pay stubs, copies of your deed on the house (sometimes you can find this online as well), copies of your car titles, credit card statements, and anything else you know you might need. Also put the physical copies of deeds, mortgages, car loans, life insurance policies, car titles, social security cards, passports, marriage license, birth certificates, and other important documents in a place where you know where they are.
6. Take an inventory. If you don’t already have an inventory for insurance purposes, now is a great time to do this. I always recommend a video inventory of your household goods and then a written inventory as well. You don’t have to list every spoon and fork, but certainly listing categories like “miscellaneous kitchen”, “tools”, “holiday decorations”, as well as groupings like “dining room table and 6 chairs”… you get the idea. Anything that is worth over $500 should have it’s own separate listing. Plus, if you know that you want the blender and air fryer, and your Spouse can pretty much have everything else in the kitchen, list those separately. Don’t forget to upload all this into your new Google Drive!

The more you prepare for the financial aspect of divorce, the more confident you will be about moving forward.

The truth is that doing the prep work will help you in a few ways…

You will feel like you have taken the first step towards taking control over your life.

You will gain the information you need to take a step towards creating an action plan on how to move forward. The truth is, you might have also realized that you don’t want the life you will lead if you are living on your own with your own finances. Maybe you will see that you need to work on your employment situation — find a new job, ask for a promotion, or get a second job — so you will be ready to live on your own. Either way getting an idea of what you will need to live independently gives you a timeline.

What else do I need to do in this pre-divorce stage?

1. Find support. Going through this process is pretty hard. Believe me, most people going through a divorce can’t stop talking about it. They drive their friends and family NUTS! There are plenty of Facebook Groups out there, local divorce support groups (even in your church). Here is what you don’t want to do… find some co-worker which you confide in that has ANY potential to become a romantic relationship. You have enough problems right now… don’t add on an affair. Maybe it is finding podcasts to help you in your journey. It could be on divorce, finances, or just plain personal development. There are great books out there as well.
2. Find new hobbies. I know it sounds strange, but finding new things you love to do will really help with the process. You will start meeting new people, find things you love to do, and in the process start healing yourself. You might still have lonely nights once you separate, but you will have something to look forward to on the weekends or on weeknights. In the process, you might stop putting all your unhappiness on your Spouse and it might actually save your marriage (if that is what you really want).
3. Get advice from an attorney. Most attorneys offer free consultations. Find out more and have the knowledge you need to make better decisions.

The financial part of divorce is one of the hardest parts. I am not going to sugar-coat it for you. You life is not going to be the same for sure. Now it is time to explore what you life might really look like. What do you really want out of life? What is going to make you happy? Is there a chance to change yourself to be happy and still save your marriage in the process? At the end of the day, figuring out your finances is a small part of the road to divorce. Small or not, it is an important piece to reducing the stress of your divorce and getting a jump start on your new life!