Don’t you want the gift of better communication with your High Conflict Co-Parent? Don’t you want to minimize your stress in dealing with this person and move on to living your own life? What if you have more peace even if the other parent does not change at all? Could you really improve your communication with a difficult Co-Parent in a few easy steps (without looking like they are right)?
Hey friends, Carrie Sue Doxsee with Law In Kansas City and Legal Lifeguards here to talk about something that might help you better understand your difficult Co-Parent. I know sometimes they make your life hell and it does not seem like anyone could help you understand why they do what they do. Here area few quick things to think about… ponder it a bit.
I actually received something from a friend of mine about Time Line Therapy which is copyrighted... so I don’t want to break any rules. Truly, these concepts are taught in every High Conflict Personality Course I have taken and every Bill Eddy book I have ever read. Some of these things we know, but just never applied it to our counterpart since their behavior, in our eyes at least, is so inappropriate.
First, you and your Co-Parent are never going to 100% agree on every aspect of raising the child.
Your backgrounds are different; your values are different; your roles are different…
Even parents who are still together have disagreements on how a child should be raised. In fact, there is a good reason for that… each Parent has a role to play for the child. Good cop, bad cop actually works. One parent is normally more disciplinarian while the other is more nurturing. The child needs BOTH. So, remember that you will likely have different ideas, but can find a way to compliment each other. If you can’t, that is what Parallel Parenting is all about. You may have different values about what is allowed, but as long as it really is not hurting the children, then you need to let it go. I know it is hard, but they don’t have to do everything the way you would.
Ex: If bedtime routine is different, maybe it causing things to be a bit harder at your house to get them back on schedule. The question is, are they falling asleep at school because they are not getting enough sleep? If this answer is yes, then there is truly a problem to be fixed. If not, then you need to let it go or change the parenting time so the other person might have different time. Maybe you can switch it to more days after school but just not overnights. Or pick another overnight when it is not as significant a day at school.
Second, we know that people are not necessarily their behaviors. Their behaviors can be bad, but that does not mean they (as a person or a mom or dad) are all bad.
What is interesting is that as our relationship starts to go down the drain, we wake up to seeing these behaviors that have been going on for some time. It is difficult not to demonize the parent when the romantic bubble of protection over how you see them is popped. What I want you to remember is that BEHAVIORS can be changed. It may take some specialized training to make progress (reminder that you cannot tell a High Conflict Communicator they did anything wrong and expect them to agree with you), but there are ways to make some positive change in the way the two people communicate. This is a very important concept for you to teach your child. They need to learn to separate out the behavior which they hate from the love they have for the Parent.
EX: If a parent has an alcohol or drug problem, this really is a sickness. Sometimes that parent may say or do things that are hurtful. They probably don’t mean what they are saying. So if you can help the child learn to hate the behavior but not their parent, this is the right balance. Now if you can just teach yourself to do the same thing. Remember, if you are demonizing the parent you are alienating the child from their mom or dad. This puts you in the “bad parent” category even if your motive is to protect them. So don’t fall into this trap. Be careful to remind your child that the parent loves them even if they are not doing what you think is right. Too much criticism of the other parent will harm your relationship with your child as they don’t want to hear you say bad things about the other parent.
Third (and most importantly), everyone is operating with the tools they have- even you!
I see this a ton in family law and in almost every juvenile case I mediate. The Parties can both change if given the education and tools to change (and change how they react). If you find yourself getting angry at the other Parent all the time, you need to change because their behaviors might not. For you to be happy, you need new tools to tweak how you react to the things you don’t like about the other Parent. Also, if you have had trauma in your life or with the other Parent, you may be in “fight or flight mode” EVERY time you deal with that Parent even if there is truly no danger. It takes a lot of work on your part to free yourself from that fear.
It is 100% worth it to invest in some good books, listen to podcasts, follow experts on Social Media… anything to learn some of the ways you can improve on the negative things you bring to the relationship. Even if you can improve things 10%, the return on this investment on the peace of your family is huge! Slowly you will notice things start to improve. The compound effect of small changes, little by little, really will turn into bigger changes. Even if all that happens is that things don’t get worse, you should count it as a victory.
The Fourth thing the article talked about is what you already know — Judge by Behavior .
I think our problem with the other Parent is we are out of balance with the value we put on judging their behavior. Certainly, we need to limit access to the children if that minimizes damage to them, but it should be done in a way that does not cut off contact.
Let’s look at another example…if a Parent makes a scene at a public event (sports game, school event, etc), then they are not going to participate in those events for a time. This does not mean they don’t get to see the child at all.
What I see in my family law cases is that when a Parent does make a big mistake of some kind, the other Parents makes a JUDGMENT… meaning that they over emphasize the mistake in light of everything the Parents does. Often this can be confusing when you have a Parent with a High Conflict Personality. On the one hand, they can be a great parent. Then the next moment they can do something that is completely not acceptable. It is hard to find the balance of what role they should have in the child’s life especially if the behavior seems random. In fact, this leads us to the fifth concept.
The Fifth concept (I have actually separated this because it is so interesting)… People do EVERYTHING with what they see as a positive motivation.
So, let’s take the example above. So if that parent is feeling cut off from the child, they may be willing to do about anything to see that child and justify bad behavior to get what they want. Their behavior may have embarrassed the child and you as well. It may have violated a restraining order or parenting order. They see it as justified because they are not getting to see their child. So refusing to “play by the rules” is of no matter to them. They don’t understand the consequences of their behavior and, even if they do, they don’t care. BUT they are doing it because they want to see the child. The motive is good even if the behavior to get what they want is bad. Remember, they did not do this to embarrass you or your child (although certainly it did). So instead of complaining and thinking “there they go again — doing this crazy stuff”, examine the reason behind the behavior and then maybe you can start making progress. Take the time to find out why they did what they did. The more you are listening, the more likely you are to find a solution to fix the bad behavior.
Another important concept to consider… is this type of behavior been going on for a long time or is this person unraveling due to the separation of the Parties? Maybe it is worse due to the strain of the legal case or a sudden financial strain on the person. I also see that this Parent may not have friends or family to help support them and they don’t know how to constructively seek help. In a family law case, people (and sometimes attorneys) will try to turn seeking professional help into a weakness on the part of that Parent. I promise you it is anything but a weakness. If you really want the other Parent to improve their behavior for the sake of your child, you should agree to a Protective Order that keeps their counseling records out of your hands. Give them the safe space they need to work through their issues and stop lashing out at you. Counseling, Co-Parent Counseling, Co-Parent Coordinators… all these professionals can help your family!
The Sixth concept, is to remind you that you are in charge of your reaction, how you judge the behavior, and what tools you use to minimize your part in the conflict.
Since you cannot control the other Parent and can only control your reaction to their behavior, what tools will you pull out of the toolbox the next time something happens? Will you choose to judge the Parent on their behavior or try to find out what their positive motive was? Will you point your finger at them and tell them how bad they are? Will you tell your child what a mess they are? Will you let your emotions get the better of you? Will you let their bad behavior also drive you into “bad parent” behavior? Look, I get that controlling your emotions is a huge task. This person is likely pushing every button to try to get a reaction out of you and make you look just as bad.
Can I tell you one of the BIGGEST KEPT SECRETS IN FAMILY LAW?
The Judge wants to know if YOU are a contributor to the negative patters in the relationship.
You did not hear me say how much is you and how much is the other Parent. But are YOU contributing! Now, they will give you a little grace because when the person comes at you with a constant battle, you might crack once or twice. However, if you react negatively most of the times the other person does something, even if your motives are good, you will be seen as part of the problem.
This is where having an attorney who has experience and training on High Conflict Co-Parenting is so important. There are also counselors who have the additional training and skills to help you. You need people on your side helping keep you accountable for your reactions and helping give you better tools to deal with the other Parent. My favorite tool is to use a Co-Parent Counselor or Coordinator to help minimize the drama between the Parties and create a healthier environment for the children. This is so helpful because the professional can address the behavior with the other Parent and you don’t have to be the bad guy all the time. You bring up the concern without Judgment and let them take if from there.
While all these options cost money, they are well worth it and probably will save you money in the long run having to come back to court over and over. You might even check with the Court to see if there are any funds available to help pay for these types of sessions. Remember, the quality of your child’s life (and future) is directly related to the money and time you invest in learning techniques to minimize drama!
Don’t have extra money, this is NOT an excuse not to find new resources to help you improve on your side of the relationship. Find podcasts, follow experts on social media, read articles like this… you can find resources!
I recommend any book by Bill Eddy with the High Conflict Institute. They also have Parenting Courses online that can help. You might even suggest one of his courses as an Order from the Court.
Choose to find new tools to deal with your difficult Co-Parent… for your sanity and for your child! Don’t just keep your mouth shut with a grin and bear it attitude. Find out constructive ways to communicate with the other person. When you start to judge them, look for their motivation behind the behavior. Before you complain about something, step back and evaluate whether this is something you don’t like or something that harms your child. If you don’t like it, then maybe you should just let that Parent do their own thing when they have the child on their time. You have to break the model of fighting once the family law case is over (and even before there is a final Judgment). It is not your fault that the conflict continues. You just need more tools to start down the road to a more peaceful family.
Now is the time to put all your energy into working on the new relationship you have with this person. Even if you feel there is no hope, I promise you there is. Here is another awesome life lesson from Darren Hardy…
- You want peace; give peace.
- You want your child to be happy; let the other person make the child happy.
- You want to have less conflict; argue less.
- You want to get along; be nice.
- You want the other parent to understand what they are doing is not ok with you; listen to what they think you are doing that is making them upset.
I guarantee you that you will start seeing small steps of change in your relationship if you start using these concepts. It is not going to be easy and you will certainly feel super discouraged at the beginning of this journey. Then, slowly, you will see the small improvements…it will turn into a ray of sunshine through a cloudy day. Then the small things that seem insignificant will turn into actions you actually notice…it will give way to a sunny day at some point. I am not telling you that the other person will finally, some day, come around to who you want them to be. I am telling you that YOU will come around to the person you need to be for your children — someone who can deal with a high conflict personality in a positive way. This will be a life skill that you will pass on to your child. All it takes is one step at a time.
