What Is The #1 Lesson You Learn About Yourself Going Through A Divorce?
The journey of divorce- Mindfulness
Mindfulness is the new buzz word in the personal development world. The truth is, people going through a dramatic shift in their lives have been experiencing this type of introspection throughout the history of man.
“Why is this happening to me?”
“What did I do wrong to make my Spouse cheat on me?”
“How could I have been a better Wife/Husband?”
“What is wrong with me that my Spouse does not love me anymore?”
“Why do I drink too much?”
Why do I yell at my Spouse all the time?”
“Why did I put my job over my family?”
“Why does my Spouse want a divorce?”
There are lots of questions… lot’s to think about.
But there is also lots of blame…
It is super easy to blame your Spouse for everything. All those questions above… just reverse the “I” for “my Spouse”. With blame comes anger. With anger comes this desire for revenge.
I have seen so many divorce cases get ugly. Not just two people yelling at each other in mediation ugly, but a clear campaign to destroy the other person. After all, the legal process is meant to be adversarial, right?
What happens when your divorce is and all out war?
Look, if you cheated on your Spouse, you should not be surprised about the level of anger and intensity and the need for some validation they are not the cause of your choices. Your marriage may have been bad, but you could have left before you started a new relationship. So having a Spouse that is too hurt to move forward or too angry to be reasonable is a natural consequence of your choices. Normally, if you just give them a little time and try more of a Transformative Mediation Approach, them you can get the point where the divorce turns into a business transaction. Expect some additional turbulence if you have children because your Spouse now has to face the immediate prospect of another person having parental level influence on their children. Confirming that you are the Parent and your new significant other won’t be taking on the role of a parental figure is helpful in this situation.
Custody stuff… well that can be a horse of another color. I actually have a case right now… it is so hard not to get caught up in their blame game. #1 You have to protect yourself. #2 You then wonder if this person will continue to badmouth you to your children for all of eternity. #3 You automatically label them as the “bad” parent and you are the “good” parent. # You feel you are losing your kids somehow.
How do you turn from the external of all the changes going on in your life and the “whack-a-mole” survival skill to mindfulness and introspection?
Having been through my own divorce years ago and have a good deal of time for perspective, the truth is mindfulness will go on for the rest of your life IF you choose it. What is crazy is that this divorce provides you with the opportunity for a blessing if you look for it.
OK… STOP YELLING AT ME — I get it… “A Blessing…” may have triggered an extreme reaction.
Yet it is true. There is always a blessing attached to a storm you go through. It is not the bad thing that is the blessing… it is what you can have AFTER or coming THROUGH it that can bring about a positive change in your life. I think the real difficulty with people trying to help you that have not been through the same storm (or any storm maybe), is that they say these things that your mind cannot process. They are close to the mark, but how they say it keeps you from receiving the good intentions of the sentiment. So put all the noise of other people trying to say helpful things out of your mind and look inward instead.
Finding your blessing requires mindfulness — reflecting, looking deep inside yourself, learning, etc. This can be achieved by many means like counseling, personal development books or courses, journaling, support groups, and even just having one good friend who went through the same thing. The only real requirement is that you intentionally search for the peace and cultivate it in your life. Make it about your journey rather than blaming your Spouse. Do more looking forward that backward. Figure out the person you want to be and don’t blame yourself for the shortcomings you had during your marriage. I strongly recommend journaling as a way to look back and see how far you have come. It is a great release.
I recommend Benjamin Hardy’s Journaling Course. It might be the best $27 you ever spent. https://benjaminhardy.clickfunnels.com/journal-course-sales-page Ben also has a wonderful book, Personality Isn’t Permanent which might help you start on your journey of becoming the person you wan to be from today forward.
Remember, you may feel stuck and can’t find the way out of the divorce spiral, but there is light ahead in your life. You have to open up the curtains to see it… then do the research to find what you want outside your door. Once you determine where you want to go, then you open the door and take the steps to get to your destination — the new you! You came searching for the #1 thing you learn about yourself during your divorce and came away with the perspective and tools to find out your personal and unique answer to the question. Someday soon, you will be able to tell me your #1 thing you learned.
When that happens, I would love for you to share your #1 with me on my Facebook page. Carrie Sue Doxsee Facebook. Plus, if you do have other questions or topics you want me to write about or do a video on, let me know. Want to recommend my stuff to a friend but they are not really a reader? No problem. Send them over to my Carrie Sue Doxsee YouTube Channel.
